Today I left the house alone for the first time in almost two weeks. Never underestimate the importance of leaving your house sometimes, even if it’s just to sit in a coffee shop for a few hours and listen to a baby scream. My face is still about 35% numb and it still looks like someone took a baseball bat to both sides of my face, but in perfect symmetry, so I have the marionette look going on. Imagine, if you will, a cross between these two images:
I also learned something really fascinating about facial bruising. Apparently, because iron is so heavy, bruises on your face eventually begin to creep their way down your neck and chest, ultimately stopping once they’ve reached your heart. I know, I was skeptical too. Then my bruises started creeping.
I will remain on the “spoon it in and swallow” diet for at least another month or so, but my stitches have started popping out! If you ever want to be traumatized for the remainder of your days, ask my dad to explain–complete with gestures–how during surgical procedures surgeons incise and peel back your face. It’s somewhat surreal to face(!) a surgeon knowing he’s seen you with your face peeled back against your head. Do you think they imagine you that way when they look at you?
Stay tuned for before and after pictures. My dad got very involved in the idea of a photo shoot PERFECTLY recreating an old photo of myself but with my NEW face.
Because I’m a benevolent soul, because I have more time on my hands than you ever will, because I believe in educating the masses, and because I have loads of narcotics lying around, I have decided to conduct a highly scientific study on whether the smarter-than-average individual (myself) is more or less intelligent while under the influence of semi-synethetic opioids.
Because I don’t want this blog to merely devolve into another Bukowski-esque hopeful’s adolescent nightmare he can’t seem to erase from the annals of the Internet, I have decided to draw on the “law” portion of this blog’s dual foci by performing exactly one revered practice Law School Admission Test (LSAT) under control conditions (0 milligrams of the aforementioned substance) and exactly one practice LSAT under “the influence” (I don’t know, whatever the hell the bottle says–isn’t it nice to finally read a medical study you can understand??).
Well, that was the idea at least. But, you know, sometimes life gets in the way. Not to mention that would be a highly irresponsible use of controlled pharmaceuticals as well as my time! (Hi, Dad.)
I know you guys only come back for the pictures, so here’s one of me wearing a sweatshirt from a smart person university I did not attend. Yes, it still looks like a three-year-old decided to do my makeup and then got bored half-way through:
I’m thinking of expanding this blog to be both a discussion of my surgical procedure and recovery, as well as a conversation on a variety of legal issues. I feel it’s a bit too niche the way it is now. Thoughts?
I know you’re all dying to know what I’ve been eating lately in this almost full week since having my jaw broken and realigned. (It’s also been almost a full week since I’ve left the house!) Well, as my jaw was “banded” shut rather than “wired” shut, there’s actually a little dietary wiggle room—I’m technically on the “baby food” diet. But, I want you guys to know that I am still one of you, I may have certain restrictions regarding the consistency of my food, but we still share a common humanity and DON’T LISTEN TO MY MOM I CAN STILL COME TO THE PARTY I JUST HAVE TO LEAVE EARLY OK?!
That being said, here are a couple recipes I’ve cooked up for you:
1. Take cooked pasta & heated sauce. Pour both into blender. Blend. Serve.
2. Take warmed chunky soup. Pour into blender. Blend. Serve
Yum! Thanks, Mom!
3. Take peas and salmon in a white sauce. Pour into blender. Blend. Serve
4. Take a pb&j sandwich. Place in blender. Blend. Serve.
5. Take a burger with a sufficient ratio of condiments to dry matter to create a paste. Place in blender. Blend. Serve.
I also received a card in the mail from my surgical team at the hospital asking for my feedback on my stay. Overall, it was not a bad experience. My main complaint is that my stay was extremely boring and that I kept getting woken up to have my vitals checked and when my vitals weren’t being checked, Sandra was whispering through the curtain for me to “please help,” so eventually I gave up on sleep altogether.
I suppose had I had the presence of mind to feel humiliation, I may have felt slightly degraded by the giant, near-overflowing pot in which I was supposed to “void” myself so they could collect my urine output. I MEAN IT WAS RIGHT THERE FOR EVERYONE TO SEE. And my second complaint is that I shouldn’t have had to be the one to tell my nurse not to give me two medications because of the possible contraindications. I’M HYPER-VILIGANT ABOUT MEDICAL CONTRAINDICATIONS as I explained to her (Thanks WebMD!).
Unrelated—does anyone else freak out when an unknown number shows up on their phone and assume it’s someone calling to tell them they have a terminal illness?
Myth: You’re going to lose soooooo much weight on the liquid diet so you should fatten up now! (OK that second part was my addition, but still.)
Truth: Pretty much anything can be liquified and consumed. You’re also not going to lose weight if you eat the most fattening ice cream you can find on a daily basis. Further, if you used to exercise regularly, you’re not gonna be doing that anymore! In this regard, let’s just say I’m an unhappy customer.
Myth: You’re going to have so much time to lie around and catch up on every great TV show without a care in the world!
Truth: The minute you hit the couch, you’re going to forget every great TV show recommendation from the past year and, further, you’re going to hate what you do watch! HATE HATE HATE! Then every other day someone is going to make you feel bad by asking something like, “Have you gone outside yet?” NO I HAVEN’T GONE OUTSIDE YET. IT’S STILL NOT SAFE FOR ME OUT THERE. Also, you will fall asleep sitting up a LOT.
Myth: They’re going to use a hammer to break your jaw.
Truth: I’m not sure what they used, but I’m pretty sure it was not a hammer.
Myth: There won’t really be any pain.
Truth: I imagine this is what it would feel like if only your face were hit by a train.
Myth: You can pick whatever painkiller you like!
Truth: I had no hand in this decision.
Myth: You can take two weeks off for work.
Truth: NOT IF YOU’RE A FREELANCER YOU CAN’T! PEOPLE DON’T JUST STOP NEEDING INFORMATION ABOUT THEIR PERSONAL FINANCES BECAUSE YOUR FACE IS IN EXCRUCIATING PAIN! PERSONAL FINANCES DON’T JUST STOP PERSONAL FINANCING!
Less than a week since my surgery and I’m happy to report no (unintended) disfigurement has resulted. Here’s me passive aggressively waiting OUTSIDE my hospital room for the discharge forms because I was bored and wanted the nurse to hurry and let me go because I’m the only patient in the hospital with needs, duh. I was also growing tired of my “neighbor” Sandra and her repeated attempts to answer the phone by just touching any button in sight (No, Sandra, that’s not the phone, that’s your IV monitor).
You’ll notice I’m holding flowers here (thanks, popularity!). Those flowers were from my surgeon’s office and cost thousands and thousands of dollars in medical bills, but I’m sure the rest of my flowers are on the way!
Here’s me, four days later, with gangrene face (name that color?):
Finally, here are my new teeth!
My mom and I have been having a lot of fun experimenting with what you can throw in a food processor. (I think my mom’s having a little TOO much fun with it.) It turns out there are a lot of things you can throw in the food processor!
1. Stay awake while enjoying a nice family meal.
2. Explain what an “allegory” is, particularly Plato’s Allegory of the Cave.
3. NOT stand around itching yourself constantly and rubbing your face in circular motions because you’re actually mildly allergic to hydrocodone.
4. Text everyone you know everything you’re thinking about all things at all times in fastidious detail and then remember why it was important. (This is excusable and can be dismissed.)
5. Stare at an iPad screen in anything other than wonder and amazement.
6. Make decisions! Why make decisions when you can just stare off into space?
7. Figure out where time is going?
8. Why? Just………why?
(This post brought to you by hydrocodone.)